I do not know.

“Why me?” she asked me today in clinic.

I’m home and thinking and this question just will not leave me. Really, why? I honestly do not know why.  It is a plaguing question. Many have asked me and I search hard for the answer. I am not about to answer this sitting here on my couch that’s for sure.

I have taken refuge in science and in the minds of the scientists around me. Science has answered many questions for me and has given me the ability to come to patients and explain their disease. And it is important to me to explain disease. It’s why I became a physician.

I have spoken of my heroes who take chances for others and participate in clinical trials and research to help us answer the “why me’s?” When I first started working in the academic world I quickly found that science helps reveal truths and prevents bad practice. Collaborating with more minds helped me make better decisions for my patients. Today I share what I sometimes come home with and some of the questions that make me freeze and I simply say “I do not know.”

 

“How do you know you have the best treatment for me?”

“What if I could find a better treatment elsewhere?”

“There is this miracle drug in Mexico. Do you think this is a good idea?”

“I have radicalized my diet to fight this. What do you think?”

“Am I just a guinea pig?”

“So you are saying there is only a 5% benefit from this treatment and it has all those side-effects?”

“Why should I do this treatment? Isn’t there anything better?”

 

These questions linger in my mind and make me wonder. And I do not know the answers. I task my patients in being the answer, in helping me understand, in helping others. It truly is a sacrifice of a higher order, of our human nature. I have learned to be honest with them, share my thoughts, my biases, and my lack of knowledge. I sound unsure, incapable and incompetent as I argue my case in their presence against cancer. It is a huge undertaking to try to explain this disease. I often find myself saying ” I am a good salesman and I am about to sell you a crappy car”.

Our treatments though exciting and innovative are still primitive. Investing in clinical trials and basic science, and research is our only hope to fight against this crippling disease. How does on choose what is best for a patient in an evolving and erupting world of knowledge. I push the buttons of those around me that dare to challenge the life around us and dare to dream of cures. The Wright Brothers wanted to fly. They created models and tested them, now humans can fly. I work with incredible talent, that tests their ideas, and think about what’s next. And for those who know me – I do push hard.

Michael Henry, PhD, the Deputy Director for Research at the Holden Comprehensive Cancer Center, has become more than a collaborator. Perhaps I can persuade him to talk to you about his research interests and how he made me see cells differently, opening my mind to the secrets of cancer biology and to ideas that contradict the normal we have come to accept. Together we are forging a stronghold in our understanding of cancer – our movement is only forward.

Thanks for reading.

Mo

Dr. Michael Henry and Me

Connections.

What an interesting two days I have had. Has me thinking about the matrix of talent that I live amongst.

I was chatting yesterday with Ben Miller, our orthopedic surgeon who handles all the limb surgeries that sarcoma patients need. We talked about a sarcoma symposium and how to bring more talented researchers to understand sarcoma and melanoma biology. It is in these small discussions that I find the thrill of discovery.

I am surrounded by talent.

Our cancer center exists in an academic university environment. Like a spider’s web, we are able to connect through interactions that focus on improving the lives of the patients afflicted with this illness. Wherever I turn, I find an opportunity to connect with someone.

So how does this web come to life? What are its components?

As I learn to write to you all and share my thoughts tonight I want to paint a picture of people who facilitate all the work that comes into a decision for a patient. It extends from helping my colleagues in Missouri understand angiosarcoma biology or keeping it closer to home to understand obesity and how it affects immunity.

It’s Wendee who fights harder than me to keep my ship afloat.

It’s Tina and Laura working hard to maintain a registry.

It’s Marian fixing and regulating my clinical trials.

It’s Melanie and Reggie coordinating and facilitating the research that keeps our fires burning.

Many meet “Mo” and he is just an interface to the matrix that lives behind him. Our multidisciplinary teams that focus on the clinical aspects of caring for patients, down to Erin and Juli who help schedule all the meetings and make this a reality.

I have connected with Scott Okuno at Mayo Clinic and Mark Agulnik at Northwestern in Chicago. And now I’m talking to you. I wonder how this all started? I simply asked to get to know them and found them so receptive to collaborate. It must be the midwest.

I am blessed to be amongst such dedication and commitment. I can see no boundaries.

From Terry and Jo ‘Riding It Out for Amber’; to the Bailey’s for the courage to stand up and bike; to the Yates for yelling “fore”; to Nancy’s promise; to Alissa and her amazing determination to never give up; to Hannah for making me part of her family… no boundaries.

Hence this small introduction to my team- anyone can join us. These are some of the many faces that help me fight. Many who have gotten to know me have asked me how I do it every day, facing this.. I tell them, “I married a psychiatrist” and they laugh. Well, Arwa, my wife, knows better. It is the people that surround me that I draw my inspiration to help those in need. Understanding our connectivity to each other and the willingness of so many to put their best food forward makes me proud to be  a part of all of this.

Mo

 

Check out these websites:

Ride It Out for Amber

Courage Ride

The Steve Yates Golf Tournament

The Jim White Foundation

 

 

Take a Moment…

Let us take a moment to reflect on why we do the things we do.

It’s for my heroes.

For my patients that have battled melanoma or sarcoma and have helped move science forward. They truly are a part of every decision I make.

They are my true teachers, my inspirations.

Those who have suffered with an ailment that drives us to understand what makes it such. Those that help me help someone else because they dared to take on something new.

It is amazing to sit alone on a Tuesday night, thinking about things. I often sit in silence, and talk to those who have passed. What did I learn? What could I have done better?  What did their lives leave in lessons? 

I must admit that I miss my heroes as I sit alone on my couch letting my day settle. They motivate me and enrich a desire in me to find answers to hard questions that should be asked. They ask these questions of me and force me to think and explore the impossible, making it possible. They have departed us in life, but in me they linger and they still teach me.

My patients, those that are still with me and have survived, those who have said their goodbyes, those who are still fighting hard. They are my heroes. And I take a moment to remember them all.

A community surrounds each individual. The University of Iowa Foundation has a retreat once a year for those who want to engage in the fight against cancer with me. I share with you this event in pictures that sometimes speak louder than words. Thank you each hero. Thank you for your fight. Thank you for helping someone other than yourself. Thank you for you selflessness.

Mo