It’s about a mile walk from my clinic to my office. A small part of that walk is outside. Grey was the sky, a cold wind penetrated my shirt but not enough for a jacket I thought. A light drizzle of rain. I guess this is the “Ambience” of this blog. I sighed deeply as I walked, the conversation of the day speaking inside me. I could feel each step, each bone in my body ached. And I walked distracted.
“I am sorry but your insurance will not accept me treating you on this clinical trial.”
I did not go into medicine to be forbidden to treat someone with what I felt would be the best option for them. I imagined myself a rare bird stuck in a cage realizing the boundaries of the system that I existed in. My wings unable to soar. My perceived freedom now defined by outward forces beyond my control. I felt the bars close in and force my decisions. A slave to the system that I have now discovered is not easy to navigate. “This is all I have to treat you with”. I did not even want to be in the room anymore as I spoke to this human. Where did my compassion go? I longed for the freedom to decide the best treatment. I wanted to soar and my anger rattled me. I flew into the bars wanting them to bend. I felt the imposition of the system. Where are the tools to help my patient today? This is coming from someone who does not take “no” lightly.
I walked to my office, and talked to my boss. An incredible man to say the least. He let me talk. Like a cushion he absorbed this shock. This is not the first time that this has happened.
I have always liked the political cartoons of the past. They speak volumes in pictures. Intelligently portraying the issues of the time. I sat and read some of the “Far Side” cartoons on my couch. Humor a mature psychological defense mechanism like an old teacher showing the way.
Here is my picture for you- “Imagine”:
That despite this cage; this bird today sang.
I still found a way to deliver my care.